Do Less So Your Child Does More

This is a phrase I find myself saying almost daily lately—to parents, therapists, and honestly, as a reminder to myself.

Do less so your child does more.

As adults, we are really good at keeping things moving. We open the container. We hand the child the next piece. We ask, “What color is that?” We show them what to do. We fix the toy when it doesn’t work. We model or remind them what to say. And if there’s a quiet moment, we’re quick to fill it.

We’re helping, right?

Well…if I’m being honest, sometimes we help a little too much.

Some of the best learning happens in those slightly uncomfortable moments of silence. It happens when a child needs to figure out how to make something work. It happens during that quiet pause while their brain is searching for a word, gesture, or idea. And it happens when we give them enough time and space to show us what they can do.

When we do everything necessary to keep an activity going, we can unintentionally take away opportunities for the child to communicate, problem-solve, initiate, imitate, request help, or come up with the next idea.

Try Doing a Little Less

Here are some simple ways to practice this at home:

Instead of opening the snack immediately…
Hand them the container and wait. See what they do.

Instead of saying, “Say bubbles”…
Hold the bubbles, smile, and wait for their communication. Maybe it’s a look, a gesture, a sound, a word. Or maybe even something you weren't expecting.

Instead of asking, “What should we do next?”…
Pause and see if they come up with the next idea.

Instead of asking question after question after question…
Make a comment, then simply be quiet and join them.

Instead of singing the entire song, even when they’re smiling and loving it…
Pause before a favorite part and see if they add the next part on their own.

Instead of filling every silence…
Wait. Give them time to take their turn, in their way, within the interaction.

Doing Less Doesn't Mean Being Less Engaged

This part is important.

Doing less does not mean sitting back and disengaging from your child.

You’re still right there. You’re still interested. You’re still ready to help. You’re still excited about the interaction.

You’re just resisting the urge to do your child’s part for them.

And that can be surprisingly hard!

Silence can feel uncomfortable. Waiting can feel like you aren't doing enough. Watching your child work something out when you know you could fix it in two seconds takes some restraint.

But that space you're creating has a purpose.

You're giving your child an opportunity to say, “I've got a part in this interaction, too.”

Give It a Try

Do less so your child does more sounds much easier than it actually is.

So start small.

Pick one familiar activity this week and keep the phrase running through your head:

Give your child just a little more time before you step in. Resist filling every silence. Watch closely for what they do next.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll see something you weren't expecting: a look toward you, a gesture, a new idea, a word, an imitation, or an invitation to keep the interaction going.

Sometimes, when we give children a little more space, they show us just how much they have to say.

Keep playing,

Tessa

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